Memories

This is a photo of me and my sister, Kristin. She's the blonde! This was taken circa 1988. November 9th will be the 15th anniversary of her death. She is on my mind today, and I am missing her.

Passion

I have a great idea for a scary costume. I am going to dress up as me. That should freak people out. "O, How frightening! A Single Homeschool Mom!!!!"
We are going to a costume party tonight, and I love to dress up. The boys are new to the idea, and they can't get beyond the fact that there are going to be girls there, so they have to be "cool." How can you be cool AND in costume? They want me to be Goth. That's no fun, because back when I was young, I really was that. Only we called it Punk. I want to dress up as something I have never been in real life. Part of my personality is this constant characterization that I do. I turn every outfit into a costume. I am very over-the-top. Ok, that's not entirely true.....I usually wear baggy kung fu clothes and no make-up. But inside I am Dramatic. And when I have the opportunity to shower and don makeup, then I am very flamboyant in my presentation!
I want to live like that in every part of my life. I want to live larger-than-life. What if I could embrace every situation as a gift from God? What if I could pour my whole self into every person I meet without self-protection? I want to fall in love without fear of getting hurt. To give to those who need without thought of what I'll get back. I want to do everything wholeheartedly! Fully. Completely. There's magic in that, I think.
It's how God wants us, too. He wants us to be hot or cold, and He Himself rejects lukewarm. His ultimate sacrifice is called His 'Passion'. That's the key. When I begin to wrap my mind around Who He Is and therefore, who I am....then I am free to love completely, and to live fully. Watch me go!
This is my wish for you today. Grab on to your life with both hands and all your heart.

What Christian homeschool moms do

Does anyone ever listen to Meatloaf on purpose? I was wondering. I saw that a friend of mine had his CD, and I borrowed it just for fun.
The song "Two out of Three Ain't Bad" came on, and I laughed so hard. It's funny in an ironical sort of way. It's this love ballad that sounds so dreamy, but the words are opposite what you'd expect. "I want you, I need you, there ain't no way that I'm ever gonna love you. Don't be sad, 'cause two out of three ain't bad." Isn't that terrible? It struck me as being so funny.
So the other song I hadn't heard in years was one that is simply not suitable to play in front of my children. So, being the good Christian mom I am, I waited until they got out of the car. My friend, Lisa, and I then turned the volume way up and realized with a blush, that we both knew all of the words. We sang at the top of our lungs.
These things happen, and you just can't help it.
Then we got on the topic of Tattoos. I don't have any, in case you were wondering. I do think it would be a grand way to commemorate the completion of my black belt test, however.
So we fell to talking and Kara said...
"Watching people get tattoos is my second favorite thing to do in all the world!"
Lisa and I grinned and exchanged glances, because Kara had phrased that in such a way as to imply that something else was her number one favorite thing to do.
Any guesses on what that might be?
That's what I thought, too! But you're wrong!
So, as I was typing this story for your literary enjoyment, I drew a total blank on the punch line. I couldn't remember! I sat here completely dumbfounded because I knew she had said something wickedly funny....I knew I laughed about it all the way home....but I couldn't remember for anything! I was sitting here asking myself what on earth she had said was her favorite thing to do....
Then it hit me!
And I thought....dang, I can't write about that!

Dear Lynda,

I want to have a Worst Date Ever contest once the Hoagie contest is over. Heather Anne may very well win, but I'll bet we could give her some stiff competition.
Of course to actually compete, I would have to have a date.
Small problem.
I have had some really swell dates in the past.
None currently.
Men hate me. (Although, my last boyfriend gave me a detailed explanation of why. I have four pages of notes from that conversation. Not a single one of his points related to my Stunning Beauty or Towering Intellect. Go figure.)
I need a Technology coach. I can't figure out how to enhance my blog with lots of cool links. I am working on it, though. Well, sort of. I am making a plea for help anyway.
Lynda....Please Help me with my blog!!!!!!!

20 years ago

My martial arts instructor is now reading my blog (Hi Sifu!)
This means that I need to behave myself. Otherwise he will know that I am always a goof-off and not just in class.
I am a terrible class clown, I always have been.
In school, I used to get into so much trouble for disrupting the class. Or organizing lighthearted rebellions... Stuff like that.
My senior year of high school, the district I was in opened a second high school, and they divided our school in half.
Meanies.
This meant that lots of my friends when to Meridian High, and I had to go to Centennial. I was a disgruntled teen anyway, and this really rankled.
My well- thought- out solution was to stage a rather public rebellion.
I have always been a leader.
The day of the big school spirit assembly, several friends and I wore our Meridian High Letter Jackets, and we got up in front of the entire school and sang Meridian's Alma Mater Song.
"Kelly, report to the office immediately!" I was so busted.
I won't tell you the really bad stuff I did because my Mommy reads this. (Hi Mother!)
She was awfully proud the day I shaved my hair into a Mohawk.
I really did.
She really wasn't. Haven't I told you this before? I was really punk, with a black mowhak. I was the only girl in the Senior class who wore a faux leather dress to a formal dance. It was a really cool dress. I wore gold lame to prom.
The 80's were a lot of fun.
I'll tell you more stories another day. Now it's bedtime. g'nite...

A fairy tale

My life feels incredibly average sometimes.
...That is because I can't publish the very most delicious morsels of my day.... That means that I am only common on the outside, and inside I am living a surreptitious life of mystery and intrigue.... This is because of my fanciful imagination, and my abhorrence for reality.

Heather Ann taught me that I have super powers. So I am willing myself slender, beautiful, and desirable, with my mind. This will result in an enviable dating experience.
Also, I am going to take my own advice and make all my stories more interesting by "giving the truth scope." (You get extra credit if you can name the movie that quote came from.)
So, here is the story of my day, made grander for your viewing!

This morning I embraced the day with a smile and a prayer before my alarm even went off. It was a glorious morning. Mornings are usually glorious for me, but they are guaranteed to be so if I've slept for 9 hours.
Sleep is also Glorious.
The legion of children entrusted to my care began arriving at 6am. (Truly, I am underpaid.)
....ok, I have no idea how to make changing diapers and home educating sound remotely exotic. The fact that I managed a shower during the baby's nap was rare and wonderful, but I am not going to spend a lot of time telling you the details of that.

The truth is that I am annoyed. Deeply and thoroughly annoyed. I don't really have to have a reason because I am female, and we get to be annoyed any time we feel like it, by reason of our gender.
The truth is that I can't convince myself that my life is fascinating, because it isn't. Some days I think it is, but then I wake up and see that I have bills to pay, and ten pounds to lose, and a messy house.
The truth is, I was expecting Prince Charming to ride in and sweep me off my feet years ago. He's late. Isn't that just like a man? He probably got lost and refused to stop and ask for directions.
The truth, the Real Truth, is that I don't want to clean the kitchen, and that is why I am rambling aimlessly on my blog.
Tell me all about your life of mystery and intrigue and passion...because I could use a good story!

The natives are restless

I am privileged and delighted to have a house full of children that I love this morning. My cousin's kids are here. There are seven of them, and they are wonderful.
Most of the kids slept on the living room floor all night so it was a sort of cousin slumber party. I used to sleep on the living room floor with my cousins, too!
The little ones slept with me. "Slept" being a rather generous term. The youngest was very angry to find that she couldn't claw her way thru my shirt to find momma's milk. (I can't remember the last time someone pawed at my PJ's in an attempt to get in. My kids were weaned so long ago! But, I digress...)

So...
the baby toddled out to the kitchen from the dark recesses down the hall. She looked newly baptized. Obviously concerned, I went to investigate the source of her dousing. Imagine my surprise at finding the toilet full with paper, and the bathroom floor soaking wet. Ewww!
Now that's all cleaned up, and I can move on to the next excitement.

Apply for THIS

Ok, I am admittedly not very knowledgeable regarding men. I am raising two little ones, but it's the grown ones that baffle me. Maybe you can help me out here.
Why do men keep a running resume through their conversations like a stock market ticker? They all do this, even the little ones. It's this constant recitation of what they have done, what they are involved with, and what they are qualified to do.
"I can bench press 350"
"In my last job, everyone thought I was so smart. The boss was intimidated by my brilliance."
"I used to earn a million dollars a year."
"I hold 45 world championship titles."
"Chicks dig me! I'm hotter than the sun!"
'Cause I don't care very much, mostly.
You want to give me a resume? So, give me one, already.
I'd like a resume of your work history and education, your romantic history, tax returns for the past 10 years, and a character reference from your pastor. Then, I can decide if you're a success or a failure. But I'm going to check your references.
Women don't do resumes with each other.
We talk about our weight and our nails and our friends.We talk about ideas and emotions and our children.
The moment men start throwing their vital stats and batting averages into a conversation, I have to apply all my effort to keep from rolling my eyes. How can you not?
Maybe I should be a little more compassionate.
Wouldn't it be funny if some man started this vein of conversation, and I just collapsed at his feet? Then he could decided for himself whether I had swooned from the wonder of his brilliance, or passed out from rolling my eyes so hard.

The same old topics...

I am thinking about fasting. That sounds less holy once you realize I am trying to loose weight. But I never try to loose weight by Not Eating. What fun would that be? My theory is that if only I move around more, I can actually burn as many calories as I want. Yesterday I was doing great with the moving and eating healthfully and stuff, when a girlfriend stopped by with a Blizzard from Dairy Queen. I couldn't be rude.
But I was thinking about fasting, because of this next bit in our little bible study about prayer. I like when my religion is specific. You know, laws and rules, and telling me when I have behaved. I like to have a plumb line to measure myself against you, to see if I win. Only, Jesus isn't so tidy. He likes this whole relationship thing. And when it comes to fasting, there are no rules. Jesus did it. Others in the bible did it, too. Do you know that we are never commanded to fast? It is assumed that we will, but it's never a command. There's a whole bunch to think about fasting.
It would probably help a lot with my weight loss goals.
So would abstaining from Blizzards.
Now that I've talked about weight loss again, I am going to get the usual emails about how I should be happy with my body.That's very annoying.
I am not all about getting super model skinny. There are other reasons to lose weight...
*It's really all about saving money. If I don't drop 10 pounds, I will be forced to shop for an entirely new winter wardrobe. That would be a shame. Who needs to buy all the retro '80's fashions when I have a bunch of the real thing from high school? You can borrow my leg warmers.
*And there's that whole black belt test. It's very satisfying to contemplate announcing that I am a black belt. If I am not in great shape, then I won't pass the test, then I will have to tell you that I failed, and then I won't win.
^ And that's the other thing...I want to win. Every woman on the planet talks about losing weight. If I really do it, then I will win.
My raging desire to win is not overly godly, is it? Maybe I should work on that! One goal at a time.

I swept the room with a glance

My kitchen is an obstacle course.
We could ski down the laundry pile, if only there were a chairlift.
The kitchen floor crunches. And there is a 15-month-old loose in my house.
It's 7 am on a Wednesday.
Welcome to my life.
It's always like this midweek. That's part of the reason so few people homeschool.
Well, add to that a few extra kids, and a reason to be out of the house every day. Cleaning can't be the top priority during the week.
I clean the house on Friday, and it's a delight to live in for the weekend. Monday morning is good...then the downward spiral begins. By Thursday I am suicidal, and the children can assemble an entire meal from the remnants under their feet. We're talking new meaning for the phrase 'food pyramid'.
Using common sense and Murphy's law, can you figure out when People I want to Impress drop by? Yes. It's very embarrassing.
Daddy called me Monday to ask if he could swing by. I love my daddy, and I like to have him over. But like every woman on the planet, I have daddy issues. That means that I long for my daddy to think I am the most talented, lovely, wonderful daughter on the planet. Every daughter does this. There's whole books on the topic. It's why women get to be promiscuous, or become super models.
So daddy came by and I had no makeup on, the children were wild, and the kitchen was rapidly being buried under the week's crumb quota.
Daddy was really gracious and would never ever say anything about the disaster around him. It must be a terrible shock for him, though, to see that I descended from him! 'Descended' being, perhaps the right word!
I suppose that if I were able to be showered, made-up, slender, and homeschool children in a perpetually clean house, then I would be the most talented, lovely, and wonderful daughter on the planet! Until then, I am sure glad that Daddy (and the others in my life) love me just the way I am!

Autumn and my small winter clothes

I love this time of year. The leaves are changing, the grass stops growing....Yard work ceases! Not that I did much yard work before, but the point is that no one now will judge me for not doing yard work.
There's still lots of things you can judge me about though, so don't fret.
I've been working out a lot lately. You know this right? It's kind of funny. I want instant results, and I am a little annoyed that I don't have them. You'd think that since I am working out like a size 4, I would actually Be a size 4. Apparently, it takes longer than a month of consistent exercise to actually lose all that is prohibiting me from wearing my cute clothes. Alas!
I am motivated, though. Part of being motivated is that I want to motivate everyone else. Even Kara is thinking about exercise!
Jenine is Wonder Woman. She runs on the treadmill while I run off at the mouth, gesticulating wildly in an honest attempt to keep my heart-rate up.
You should have seen us last night attempting the weights without Denise. We didn't want to go into the free weight room where all those muscular people are. So, we were working on these machine-tingys that were totally unfamiliar to us. The clanging and laughing did draw some attention from the more serious sorts. But I feel certain that all that laughter was great for our abs.
The gym is so much fun. You should go there. Did I mention that we can get a discount for you if we say you're family?

Sabbath Rest

Today has been the most perfect day that ever there was.
My children played outside all day and I did happy things. I took a long, rose scented bath. I put in deep conditioner on my hair. I painted on one of those muddy green facial masks. I drank coffee until it was an honorable hour for a glass of wine. I listened to Frank Sinatra and Norah Jones. I burned candles.
What could be better? Well,,,,,yes. There is THAT. If I were passionately kissing the man of my dreams, I might be happier...
Maybe.
For now, however, the closest thing to sadness in my life is the thought that today will end and tomorrow is Monday.
But today is not over yet.
Today I am wrapped in my robe.
Today I am rested and happy.
Today is beautiful.

Question: where have I been?

I have all kinds of stuff to say, but I have been too busy to write.
My Aunt and Uncle have been in town and I have had plans every single night this past week. I am peopled-out! Sometimes, even I need alone time!
But I love my Aunt and Uncle, and I have gotten to spend so much time with family. That's been great. I am very fortunate to have such a wonderful extended family. There are rather a lot of us, and we are very close in a way that transcends miles and time.
Plus, I have done lots of entertaining every day, so I have kept my house clean all week. Also, the painters finally came and painted my house!
It's been a busy week.
Today is so quiet.
I didn't wake up until 10 and I didn't bother getting up until noon. It's 1:00 in the afternoon, and I am still in my P.Js. How wonderful is that?
I think that my coffee and I are going to go back to bed together, so I shall write you more later....

Idaho Life, and blogging

Reading other people's blogs is a great way to chuckle and cultivate a bit of thankfulness for my own little life. Other people have such interesting lives, but I wouldn't want to be them.
There's this one blog I read where she loves Harry Potter and the Democrats and she wears a rubber bracelet at all times. We have nothing at all in common. But she writes really well, and I feel that I know her.
Or another blog by this gal who used to be a Mormon, and now she's not. She struggles with depression and her daughter loves licorice. She makes me laugh out loud and I read her every day.
There's the blogging man in a foreign country. He has about 4 blogs that he finds time to maintain. Some of his are funny and some are deep and some are artistic. I read him all the time, too. (hi kjp).
Wouldn't it be fun if you could read the blogs of everyone you know? It's such a funny way to hear the things another person thinks.
Some people don't think at all. Unfortunately, most of them blog.
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I am going thru one of those uninspired phases of writing. There is a lot going on in my life, but I can't figure out how to put it into words. Here's a sampling:
*My Auntie Margi and Uncle Ross are in town. I learned last night thru conversing with my uncle that not everyone knows that Gorgonzola is not the same as Feta. Only my uncle and myself seemed to have this information. The rest of my family is Cheese Challenged.
*The painter called today and assured me that the house will be painted before my children are grown. When he is going to accomplish this was less clear. He was very excited about how busy his business is, and very happy that I am such a patient soul. I bet the un- patient people already got their houses painted.
*I have been exercising a lot and have managed to lose a few pounds. I am feeling stronger and more energetic. Plus, that way I don't have to give up chocolate and wine. I already exercised hard about 3 days a week, before this new plan of mine. Now I am up to 6.
*I am going to shriek at the next child who asks me an inane question. Children should be silent. I feel strongly about this. Perhaps I am in the wrong line of work.
*Tonight I am going out to Mother's for dinner. That way I don't have to cook or clean. This brings me joy.
*One of our neighbors is sawing off the head of a deer on his front lawn. My children just went merrily running across the street to bear witness to the carnage. Ah, life in Idaho! Too bad you're not here, Johanna. Maybe he'd let you clean the gun.

"I am certain to hit a pedestrian"

My kids had to be downtown yesterday for a martial arts related thing. They had to be on the campus of Boise State University. Yesterday was homecoming at BSU. The area was crawling with Fanatics. Orange hair. Blue skin. Coors light. I am going to mock them since I couldn't get tickets.
My child, my eldest, asked for special permission once we got home to plug in the TV and turn on the game.
We don't watch TV.
I said yes.
That boy is not yet 12 and he has the Testosterone- Football Gene! He was yelling at the TV. Stuff like "TAKE IT TO THE HOUSE!" and "WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? MY MOTHER COULD HAVE CAUGHT THAT BALL!!"
It was very annoying.
Ok, he didn't really say the bit about me catching that ball. I made that part up.
He was yelling like crazy, though. Without beer. I always thought it was beer that made men act like that in front of a game.

Saturday morning

All kinds of stuff is happening.
Mostly, I should be running about wildly cleaning, but instead I have broken away from responsibility to write to you.
I am all invigorated and excited about life in general. That is not unusual for me. Mostly I approach every single situation as a cheerleader. An Equal Opportunity Cheerleader.
Here are my reasons to smile this morning:
For one thing, I got my curtains. They are lovely. They were velvet in my imagination, and not so in reality. But I am delighted anyway.
My children are off with friends, so I have the house to myself. What Bliss it is to be alone in my own home!
I had a criminal moment today. It was very invigorating. I tried to sneak into Jenine's gym again with yet another free pass. The Official Girl at the Counter wouldn't let me in. She said that I couldn't use another free pass since I already used one.
I had to pay 10$ for a day pass. Then, on the way out, I saw this sign that offers family members a great deal for joining.
I am so related to Jenine!
We signed me up. I know the guy didn't believe that Jenine is married to my first cousin, but he let us have the deal anyway.
We have lots of cousins. There's our cousin Patsy, and our cousin Kara, and our cousin Jessie.
We have sisters, too.
See how fun life is when you're me?
It would be even more fun if I had a maid.

My Weight-loss Wisdom

I was just wondering if there is anything I shouldn't write about. There's a few things I won't write about, but that's not quite the same thing.
I really should jump on that blasted treadmill instead. Unfortunately, I've had a humorectomy and I am hormonal to beat the band. Give me wine and chocolate. This is no time to diet.
When I get like this, I can eat a large pizza by myself. Come to think of it, that's exactly what I did eat last night, before bible study. It wasn't a very BIG large. I repented for my gluttony. Part of the problem had to be that cheesecake after lunch. That stuff wrecks havoc with one's blood sugar.
This is likely one of the things I shouldn't write about, huh? Ladies don't discuss such things.
It's funny, though. Funny because every woman on the planet has done it. Except Kara.
I have seen her stop eating after only one chocolate chip cookie. That is So Not Normal.
If you are reading this right now, Kara, GO EAT SOMETHING FATTENING.
You, too, Krista.
The rest of you, Ladies, Raise your wine glass to the beauty of Carbohydrates.
I feel better already.
I'm going to go get on that treadmill.

They're kind of a dusty mauve color

I saved a lot of money today, and I am really excited about it.
Don't you love when you go shopping and the cashier says, "you saved $742.00 today!" and that's merely a portion of what you spent? They never seem to say, "Dang, woman! Does your husband know you spent that much?!"
Because of course, he doesn't. The husbands never know.
I worked in retail back in the...well, a long time ago. Women would come in and spend bank-loads of money. They always came in pairs, and they always talked about disguising the amount they'd spent.
No one cares how much I spend, except me and God, and I can't ever hide stuff from Him. Not that I haven't tried.
But today was a Wise Purchase and I am very happy about it.
The back of my house has 6 tall windows that let the outside in a little too much. I have been looking for curtains for a long time, as the lace sheers aren't holding back the weather. I finally bought real curtains for my windows. I saved 40% off the price! And I will save further money on heating in the winter and cooling in the summer. Plus, they will be beautiful!
See? I saved money and I don't have a husband to fight with about it. If I did, he'd never have let me buy pink.
Being single isn't so bad!

Fiat voluntas Tua

I was telling a portion of my story to someone last night, and I was struck again at how hollow it sounds when reduced to a few words...
"My husband left and there was this whole Meth thing, and the police came, and stuff. But God totally, like, took care of us. So, it was cool."
-Obviously, this rendition leaves something to be desired.
How do I put into words a series of events that totally rocked my entire reality? How do I tell someone who wasn't there what it was like to have the animation kicked out of me? To have children whose welfare depended upon me staying upright, though I could hardly draw breath?
I think some people in Scripture were like that.
I was reading about Hannah and how she wanted a baby for years. What I read was that she was sad, and she prayed, and God finally gave her 6 kids.
We don't read about the years she couldn't get out of bed for depression. Or the fights she had with that mean second wife. Or how she tricked herself into thinking she was pregnant, and then found that she was dead wrong...again. This stuff is implied, but you really have to stop and think about it to gain some depth perception.
It really makes me want to embrace the moments God gives me. Life is so rich with these remarkable stories! But even when the stories are my own, I need to stop periodically to see how they have mixed with the passage of time to create My Life.
Happy days make us smile, but it's the painful stuff that makes us deep. I like to be with people who have suffered.
Neither sorrow nor joy comes cheaply. Each has a cost, and neither one should be wasted. But neither one should be trivialized, either.Joy has a purpose. So does grief. Carpe Diem!