The Newer New Version of the Bible

I was going through Scripture today to find all those parts that don't apply to me. It's high time to publish a newer version of the bible!


I am quite excited about it.


I found that one section about women covering their heads, and I tore it out. It has caused too much discussion already. Besides, it's not an important issue, and we sure don't want to be legalistic. It shouldn't even be in the bible.


Then that passage about women being preserved through childbearing ...gone! Who understands that passage, anyway?


The annoying thing that says women are not to teach or exercise authority over a man is obviously cultural, so that's out, too. I mean, women have just as much to offer as men do.


Then the whole part about women being silent in the church. Doesn't God know that women have valuable things to say? Plus, He made us to be talkers, after all. Silence is impractical. What if newcomers are turned off by that? God wouldn't want us to make people feel uncomfortable.




Next I am going to hit the parts about fornication, because that's clearly antiquated. Plus, it's no fun. In this day and age, sex is just a normal part of everyday life. God can't really expect an adult to be so prudish.


Submission? That's out. Honestly, this is not even one to quibble about.


Genesis has all that one-week creation bit that's been proven false, so it's out. In fact, the Old Testament doesn't apply to me, so I'll keep the Psalms and throw the rest out. I like the Psalms, they are pretty and poetic. The rest is so depressing.


The bible is getting much thinner. That's really quite convenient.


Romans says harsh things about homosexuality, and the wrath of God, so we'll rip that out next. In this day and age, you can't judge people because of their lifestyle choices. We're basically good people, and God is Love.

There are some people who will chose to keep the "Old Fashioned" version of the bible. But, let's just love them and pray for them. They'll come around.

......You detect a note of frustration? Really? From Moi? Hmm. Who would ever have thought!

Here's the thing:

I don't understand why this stuff is so unpleasant. I am frustrated with all of the differing opinions and explosive discussion that this stuff brings up.

But, lest you think that I am being somehow self-righteous and hypocritical again, I'll tell you that I don't even know. This stuff becomes more and more bewildering as I struggle to apply it in a house church setting, where the participation of all seems preferable. Plus, covering my head is annoying when I am having a good-hair-day.

I have the gift of black-and-white biblical interpretation, so I look at this stuff and think I should just do it. However, I am the only one on planet Earth that takes such a literal view. When I see how you all have no problem with these passages, I wonder if I am losing my mind. I guess what I really want is for someone to explain to me how God said this stuff and it doesn't really apply. No one has explained that to me. It's Spiritual, Metaphorical, Grammatical; The Jack Sparrow school of bible interpretation.

I am annoyed with myself. Why do I always have to be so stubborn? I could just blithely let it go and love. That would be way easier. Not that I'm obeying thoroughly anyway. When was the last time I was silent in house church?

Bottom line, I guess, is that I have to work it through. Very Fun. You may all hate me before I'm done.