The bane of my existance is me, mostly

There's lots on my mind, as you can well imagine.
I went to look for a job yesterday, and then didn't. I spent all kinds of energy fighting back tears, instead. It was a lot of work. If I could figure out how to get paid for that, why then, perhaps that would be lucrative.
I looked at these apartment thingys that are our local "projects" too.
And it just doesn't seem like God is nearly as worried about my situation as I am. Go figure.
He is more concerned about this monster that is My Will. He's been dealing with stuff like "love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you," which, given the circumstances, seems a bit insensitive on His part. I don't really want to love them. Mostly, I'd really prefer to kick them in the teeth.
And God has been dealing with this selfish thing in me, too. "I want My way Right Now", all the time. Other people see this ugly thing in me, and I am deeply sorry to them. They probably don't know that I suffer over it even more than they do. From the inside, my will is even uglier and stronger than it is from an external perspective.
I feel like I am living in this warped dual reality. There is what Is, and there is all this undercurrent. Both are true, and both require attention and action on my part. It's very consuming. So consuming, that I have little time for other things.
Yesterday, I had a friend dropping by with her Mother at noon, so I cleaned my kitchen all nice and pretty. They didn't even come into he kitchen, the Mother wanted to use my bathroom. Which is where my dirty laundry and unscrubbed porcelain was. After she left, I tidied up in there a little. Every person who stopped by my house for the rest of the day asked to use my bathroom. Really! There were quite a few people through there.
And I have a point.
My point is, this:
I spent time working on what I thought was going to be important, and it's value turned out to be nil. This is true in the undercurrent, too. God says "Be anxious for Nothing, but in everything give thanks." If I spent more energy on what God has actually called me to do, and less on freaking out, just imagine how pleasant I'd be. And how productive.
It seems that God has this situation well in hand, and I need to put my energy elsewhere.
In my mind, I keep saying "Yeah, but..."
As in "Yeah, but how am I gonna pay the bills, where am I gonna live, when should I do something, what should I drive, What if ....?"
And all my energy is diverted away from what really matters.
Hmmmm. Something to think about.
I'm off to scrub my bathroom.