I love Him....badly

I don't like myself so much as I once did.
Part of the reason for that is accounted for by the prying open of my eyes to the filth within my heart. It used to be that I was really well-behaved, and able to teach people about the Bible, and other Christians could nod solemnly in approval. I liked that a lot. No one was more impressed with my holiness and righteousness than I was with myself.
But then something happened, and that something has been annoying me ever since.
I think it began with a general annoyance I felt with the hypocrisy of those applauding me. They were so Proud of themselves, that I was disgusted.
And then I passed a mirror.

These days I appreciate my sins as more "honest." After all, they are more evident. More robust. More earthy.
And where is the holiness?
In my quest to shun hypocrisy, I have come forth with Pride intact, and an assortment of bad behaviors to boot!
And what am I teaching? A certain laxity in moral conduct, forsooth.
And what is my reward? More applause.
This is what I dance for: the approval of my peers. No, that's not totally true... I dance for my own delight. If my peers did not applaud, I would simply convince them of their error, and train their ears to my music. This is me turning a Gift from my Beloved, and using it as a weapon against Him.
Yet, He loves me.
His Purposes are not impaired by my waste, you know. He is Just that Powerful. He shapes my ridiculousness into beauty.
Sometimes, I think Him rather silly for making me. He created me so very flawed. It's then that I do not believe that He speaks Truth, when He says that He created me for such a time as this.
Here I am Lord. Send me.
This is me, slapping the dust off of my clothes, and getting back to work.