God is teaching me a little bit about being content and joyful within my circumstances. It's a long process and a slippery lesson. The very moment I seem to have grasped it, it slithers from my hand.
But there's progress I see as I look back.
There was a time when I wanted another baby so badly that the longing nearly strangled me. There was really nothing that I could do about it within the confines of propriety. God seemed mean to withhold so much from me. People around me who were not being obedient to Him were having babies, and I was not. People who didn't even want to be pregnant, were, and it was so unfair. I still want more kids, but it doesn't seem likely, and the admission of that fact no longer aches.
The whole marriage thing is similar. My husband left us in '99, and we finally divorced in '02. I figured that God would bring along this fabulous man who would take care of us forever, and off we'd go into connubial bliss. It didn't turn out quite that way. Again, I kicked and argued with God over this situation. I still do sometimes. But I can see how God has chosen to take care of us Himself, and that is a remarkable privilege. How is it that I get to live under the direct care of my Creator, in a way so much more tangible than I imagined was possible? He is good. I still think I'd like to marry again. However, it doesn't keep me up nights any more.
Now that I've said that, I will probably be married and pregnant within the year. Remind me of this! I will be all struggling with the difficulty of getting along with a man, and I'll have morning sickness. You can say "be joyful and content!" And I'll punch you in the nose, because, after all, I AM a black belt.
2 comments:
Congratulations on your black belt!! That really is a huge accomplishment and I am proud of you.
Life never does turn out the way we have it planned, but somehow life has a way of providing just what we needed, not what we thought we needed. I'm glad you are getting to the place where you are more resigned to your current situation.
If you end up married and pregnant in the next year I will be amazed and delighted for you!
Hi Kelly,
You'd left me a comment some time back on my blog. I thought I'd check yours out and then I hit this post. I'm so badly in this stage of wanting a baby! It drives me nuts and I know that it's not the time or the place... nor am I anywhere near finding the perfect husband.
I'm just trying to remind myself of all the other joys I have in my life and focus elsewhere.
Your POV was rather insightful. I should remember to look at it that way when I'm having my pouty moments of being alone and sad because of it.
Perhaps I shall hear from you soon.
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