Stealing from Cathy

Cathy made a single comment on her blog that got me thinking. She mentioned being a "recovering church addict."
That makes sense to me.
It seems to me that Church, as I know it, is more tradition and legalism than really being what God intended.
My theology is about as conservative as you can get. I believe in a literal 6 day creation. I cover my head to worship (except for last Sunday, when I raced to church from the airport. One should obey from the heart and not legalistically, right?) I homeschool, and am a stay-at-home mom because of what the Bible teaches me.

But the whole "church" thing?
God's Word is pretty clear that we are to meet together. We do so to worship, and to pray, and to learn from Scripture as a group. We are to use our particular giftings to build one another up. We need to serve, and we need to function as a unified group. We need to submit to one another. We are to remember the Lord's Death and Resurrection until He comes again. We're supposed to eat together and get into each other's business so that we can meet needs, offer accountability, and bear oneanother's burdens.

So, I grew up in church. I loved my church. I was super involved. I taught Bible studies, and Sunday school. I taught at AWANA, and directed drama. I helped to organize VBS, and went to leadership meetings. I was Very Important in my own eyes. It was fun.

(God uses all those things, and they are often really effective things. I may do them again one day. Don't get me wrong! I am talking specifically about my personal journey from addiction to the trappings of religion, to a more authentic and less defined thing. A better thing.)

Boy did I feel guilty if I missed church. It was like attendance was a measure of how spiritual I was. And my list of accomplishments was like a resume I could present to onlookers as proof of how great a Christian I was.
I was missing some key components to actual Faith.
There's this whole Love thing that I was lacking. I was so consumed by my own greatness that I had little room for God's. And though I was sure trying to serve God and love His people, there was a whole bunch in the way of my personal relationship with the God of Creation.
And the personal relationship is the point.
Jenine says that friendships are messy, and I agree with her. Even a relationship with Jesus is going to be messy, because it's hard work. Plus, Christians are a bunch of broken, messed up people. It's way harder to really get into someones life (or allow them into mine) than it is to teach AWANA. And that's sayin' something!
Once God started to pry my fingers from the religious things I was really putting my faith in, then He got me to start looking at Him.
Church is now this thing we do rather than a place we go. We meet for hours in real homes, and the kids beg to go there. I really don't ever miss because I want to be there so bad, there's no guilt involved. I love these people. I want to be a part of what God is doing in their lives, and I really love them, warts and all. They even know that I am a screw up, and they don't seem to mind so much. It's a little easier to see God's hand in someone's life when they are talking about it over Soubanh's cooking.
And you know what? Sometimes I go to regular church. It's an event, and it's fun. We sing and get some teaching, plus we dress up a little. But it's not church to me anymore. And it's not a requirement for me to feel righteous and religious.
I liked the way I felt about myself back then. Now I don't have an exterior measure of my success. Mostly, I am more of a goof spiritually than I was aware of before. I think this is because my stupidity reflects off of the people who are closest to me. I can't fake it. So, I am not saying that I am better now than I was. I am just saying that some things have changed, and those things are better.
My name's Kelly, and I am a recovering addict.