Vulnerability.
I am really not good at this, as I believe I've mentioned before. The first time a friend informed me that I was "stoic and vague" I thought she was kidding.
The view from within me is an explosion of passion and emotion. How is it that no one can see that mess?
Another friend referred to me as "fortress kelly" and pointed out that I tend to slam the portcullis to keep potential harm from getting to me.
Most recently, a dear friend taught me that this external lack of expression can even hurt people. She told me that when I am so guarded, I can actually cause fear in others. This is one of those things I really need to spend some time thinking about.
My current consideration of it has led me to some preliminary conclusions, though.
For an extrovert who talks too much, I am very surprisingly private. I'm quite annimated, don't get me wrong. But, those things which are closest to my heart are kept under lock and key. I don't necessarily wish to change that, to be honest.
The self-protective stuff needs to be evaluated. It becomes a question of trusting God to protect me. I also need to be alert to those times when I am being so guarded that it's hurting others.
However, there are some ways in which I wish to be even more private. Some ways that I think I need to keep more to myself.
It does continue to baffle and amuse me that so little of the deep stuff shows up on my exterior.
I guess what people want to see is that they are affecting me. I don't want people to know that they are affecting me. Not unless I trust them a great deal.
Someone asked me why I am not a hugger. The reason is that I am such a very physically expressive person that I, conversely, am averse to such casual physical contact. I think the emotional expression is a similar thing. I have a deeply emotional and passionate interior, so it's safer to restrain than to reveal it.
That was fairly transparent, huh?
3 comments:
"portcullis" ? Who talks like that? I know, I know, women in Idaho!
Nothing wrong with having walls, it is usually a good defense mechanism. Of course, then there are people like me whom, as a dear friend described me, "pick, pick,pick, pick until you finally just have to let him in!" I had a good laugh at that one! Her husband hates to talk to me because he knows I will get to whatever is on his mind - and he HATES that about me!
Everyone thinks me an extrovert, but that is my defense mechanism. If am super entertaining and blah-blah, they will never realize what is actually going on inside...
Here is to keeping them guessing!
:^)
We are an enigma in the earth, a frail fortress, a sensitive stoic.
For me, vulnerability means facng the basic fear, rejection.
I'm getting better at that, though! ;>)
Don't let it get to ya... I'm not a hugger either and I'm very outwardly emotional. Everything I feel shows on my face, can't help it. Which is that, you are who you are. If you think you need to change then pray earnestly for God to show you any faults that may be hurting others and ask for His help to change. Changing who we are is very very hard. Believe me I know...... If your're happy and your're not hurting anybody.... Good for you!! I have been studying what it means to "walk in love" & it has been really amazing to watch how my family & friends have responded to the little changes I have consciously (is that spelled right?) made. I asked God to help me & convict me if I missed an opportunity to "walk in love" and it is amazing how people really just need a little love & attention. p.s. I have lurked your blog, found it on the Nesting Place. Have a great day!!
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