My son is dang cute. He is also 13, and this means that girls call him sometimes. This is completely unacceptable. If you have daughters, please take this moment to enlighten them: it is not okay to call boys.
M is going to lose his phone if they keep calling. I feel that strongly about it. Since he is 13, and quite old enough for a discussion on the matter, I took a bit of time to consider the question of "Why," so that I could help him to understand the reason that I am so incredibly primeval on this matter.
1. Men need to be the instigator of a relationship. This is a privilege as well as a responsibility. Ever since Adam and that whole fruit issue, men seem to be content to allow women to take the lead. However, this is not God's design. My son needs to think carefully about which relationships he wants, and what those need to look like. I do not want him pulled along by some enthusiastic female, while he resigns himself to some default setting.
2. Women move way faster than men. You know what I'm talking about! Girls don't want to sit by the phone, they want to get on with planning their lives together, naming their future children, planning their wedding. My boy may like some girl, but he will go days without calling her. She, on the other hand, will call 47 times in an hour.
3. Girls want to suck these boys in. Her best friend will call and tell him to ask the girl out, to go steady, or whatever they call it. It's a game of entrapment. On his own, my boy will like a girl, and be perfectly happy to like her without ever moving the relationship forward. When he's older, then he'll move a relationship where he wants it to go, but he needs to be the one taking responsibility for that.
This quickly becomes a dangerous game, even for the young teens. These girls are educated in relationships by unfathomable crap on TV and movies. They see women as sexual temptresses who get a man by seduction. Girls do not learn virtue on TV. They do not learn modesty. Heck, they don't even learn to be strong and beautiful. What they learn is to be manipulative, and to capitalize on the weaknesses of men.
I'm sure not all girls are like this, that's not what I'm saying. But many are.
My boys face this mindset from too many girls. Your boys do, too.
Somehow, we must equip them to recognize the errors and to fight for truth.
One of the mantras my boys have been raised with is "protect her modesty, even if she will not protect herself." I hope they'll remember that when the going gets tough.
I want these boys to be men of honor.
I want them to recognize why women are acting the way that they are; the approval they are seeking through such wrong avenues.
And I want them to be men of action who protect the girls around them.
...whew. Apparently, I have some strong feelings there, eh? I have such a close-up view on what makes a boy tick, that all this stuff seems very important. Parenting boys is hard work!
11 comments:
I agree with you completely (although I'm the mom of two baby girls, so I'm in a whole other boat)... my question is: Are your boys allowed to be friends with girls? Are those girls allowed to call?
They can have friends who are girls, and both do.
No, those friends are not allowed to call.
Too often the "friends" push the boys forward with the "girlfriends" or otherwise try to manipulate romance.
Plus, those "friends" become romance pretty easily.
I, too, have two little girls (both less than 3) and I agree as well. They will not be calling boys, when they get to that point (my 2 year old might be there *eek*). They will not have private cell phones, either. IF they have the privilege of even having a cell phone at all, I have the responsibility to see their call log, without them deleting it.
There is an array things like this, but I admire your stand against the culture. Christians always need to swim upstream.
From my own experience, a teenage girl's female friends are often far more interested in drama than what is best for their friends, so I feel like keeping the communication lines calm is best for everyone involved. In other words, a 15 year old girl will try to force her friend to date some guy who is “trouble” just to see what will happen. Fifteen year old girls don’t need any help from their friends to find a guy who is trouble!
-jjs
"Just a dad who should have been born in 1898"
Preach it, Honey! LOL I totally concur!
Love the Norah Jones on here too! ;-)
I have tried and tried to get girls to stop calling my son - to NO avail. Even the girls parents will not step in and stop them!
Taking his phone away only yielded being cussed at by 6 different girls on the phone when I answered and then they took to calling at hours!
Girls today!
Kelly, I mostly agree with what you are saying. Girls are trouble (and so are boys). Isaiah is NEVER allowed out of the house - ever!
But I do have a question. You say that it is God's design to have men instigate a relationship. What makes you think this?
Jenn....just 'cause. Is that a good answer?
I suppose the book of Ruth would blow my theory. However, there is a sound biblical principle of leadership that applies in marriage. I figure it's good in dating, too. You know, over all.
Kelly, you know that "just 'cause" is not a sufficient answer for Biblical principles. I was just wondering because to me it seems that what you are calling a Biblical principle is more of a cultural norm. There is nothing wrong with cultural norms, but they must be recognized as such and not given undue weight. And, as you said, Ruth blows that theory out of the water.
Charles and I had an interesting discussion about this topic last night. I wish you could have been there. Charles sees most things very differently than the rest of the world and he doesn't mince words. I love that about him. He can cut through all of my crap and and shine a light on the truth. It's invigorating. Anyway, wish you had been there.
I would love to have heard what Charles had to say on the matter!
I saw this message left as spam by a one "wildwesthome" on my sister's blog. I'm sure you're not responsible for posting it there, but once I saw it I had to respond to a few things:
I really do agree with you on girls not calling boys (or vice versa) when they're 13, which is way too young to be having any sort of romantic relationship. However, I think some of your justifications for why are upsetting and perhaps damaging.
"1. Men need to be the instigator of a relationship. This is a privilege as well as a responsibility. Ever since Adam and that whole fruit issue, men seem to be content to allow women to take the lead. However, this is not God's design. My son needs to think carefully about which relationships he wants, and what those need to look like. I do not want him pulled along by some enthusiastic female, while he resigns himself to some default setting."
I don't even know where to start on this. Both men and women are responsible for their own happiness in life, including whether or not to pursue romantic relationships, and how they want to pursue them. If a girl did nothing but pine over a guy waiting for him to make the first move, there's a very good chance she'd set herself up for disappointment and heartbreak
(she may like a boy, but he is totally ignorant). And the boy is faced with unnecessary and chauvinistic expectations that just compound the already awkward world of relationships.
"2. Women move way faster than men. You know what I'm talking about! Girls don't want to sit by the phone, they want to get on with planning their lives together, naming their future children, planning their wedding. My boy may like some girl, but he will go days without calling her. She, on the other hand, will call 47 times in an hour."
These just seem to be randomly matched sentences with no unifying statement. First, "Women move way faster than men" is almost completely false (most often in what I read, it is the guy who most often pushes teenage girls into relationships neither of them are ready for). Second of all, there is nothing wrong whatsoever with a young girl wanting to plan for a future where she has a husband and a family...the problem I'd think would come in equating 13-year-old girl's crushes with eternal companionship. Discerning that difference comes with time, experience, and good parenting, NOT belittlement and shame. This is puberty we're talking about. Do you believe much of anything you thought you knew about the world when you were 13?
Also, phones have off buttons. If you don't want a girl calling your son, turn the phone off. The fact that he is receiving said calls makes me think he's just as happy to partake of this behavior.
"This quickly becomes a dangerous game, even for the young teens. These girls are educated in relationships by unfathomable crap on TV and movies. They see women as sexual temptresses who get a man by seduction. Girls do not learn virtue on TV. They do not learn modesty. Heck, they don't even learn to be strong and beautiful. What they learn is to be manipulative, and to capitalize on the weaknesses of men."
This is the truest thing in your entire post. The media shows us that a woman is only of good to the world because of how she uses her body. It's wrong, it's bad, and it's evil. But media has never been the place to learn virtue, modesty, strength, or beauty. That comes after the TV is shut off and loving parents actually act like parents and teach boys and girls about those things.
"I'm sure not all girls are like this, that's not what I'm saying. But many are.
My boys face this mindset from too many girls. Your boys do, too.
Somehow, we must equip them to recognize the errors and to fight for truth.
One of the mantras my boys have been raised with is "protect her modesty, even if she will not protect herself." I hope they'll remember that when the going gets tough."
It's completely unfair and wrong to pin the entirely of this behavior on the female. Just like both men and women are responsible for their own happiness in life, so too are they *both* responsible when they get themselves into situations that they're not ready for, like premature intimate relationships when they're teenagers. Why do young girls get the brunt of the guilt and shame for being such a 'temptation to boys who can't help themselves, while the boys if not outright congratulated are at least forgiven easier because 'boys will be boys' and all that. Both of them end up with unrealistic and undesirable feelings and expectations about the opposite sex that stay with them throughout their lives.
"I want these boys to be men of honor. "
An admirable goal to say the least, but teaching them that girls are temptresses and manipulators and should submit to their judgment all the time is less than the right track. Teach them to respect women, to value who they are and what they think, and not be intimidated by a strong, beautiful, virtuous woman who knows who she is (once he is old and mature enough to know who *he* is), I think would achieve that goal a bit better.
Sometimes my inner feminist just has to get out.
That's a lot of typing, Ashley! I appreciate your discussion.
It's true that I am perhaps a bit overly critical of all those brazen hussies...I mean, girls... who are after my son. He is most certainly willing; are you kidding?! I want him to think, though, and to take the high road. It's bugging me. Obviously.
Plus, I am with Jenn in that I think he should never ever leave the house.
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