Every once in a while, in life, there seem to be these moments where dawning realization strikes the mind with insight to a reality yet unrecognized. I had such a moment last night, when I realized that I was old.
Tim and I were at our little church bible study group, surrounded by new friends. I usually look at these people and think that they are my peers.
That ended last night.
A charming man, with whom we were speaking, announced that he had graduated high school from my alma mater. Of course, I asked what year he graduated, which quickly aged the heck out of me. This boy was born when I was a Junior in high school.
He wouldn't have been old enough to babysit my fist child.
He hasn't had a ten year reunion yet.
He still fancies facial hair a novelty.
This cascade of mathematical calculations distracted me from an otherwise delightful conversation with said infant. I looked around the room, at these charming folks, as though seeing them for the first time. There is one Older Couple, who, on closer inspection, seem to be about our age. (By "our" I mean Tim's, but still!)
Everyone else is in that stage of life involving very small children, new mortgages, and the certainty that comes from an utter lack of life experience.
I don't know why I didn't see it before. When Tim and I got in the car to head for home, I found myself struggling to put this new concept into words.
"Oh, my gosh, Tim, I think we might be old. Like, we are an Older Couple in the church."
"Um, yeah." He replied, with a tone that suggested I had barely identified something excruciatingly obvious, such as my own gender.
"Wait. Do you think they all know this? Do you think they look at us and see Older People?" I asked him. This is just like The Emperor's New Clothes, and I find myself in skin!
He creased his brow in thought before answering, "What is the right thing for me to say in this situation? Because I'm thinking the key words in that question are 'when they look...do they see.'"
"Oh, my gosh! You mean they do! They have been seeing me as old. I thought I would be more dignified...smarter...wiser when I got old. Crap!"
And that is what I am left with.
I'm supposed to have attained some level of maturity, and I don't think I know how to do that. I'm 43 years old. Do you know that I knew my Grandmother when she was 43? To say nothing of my own mother who was 43 just a minute ago! Heck, I remember Yvonne at 25.(It's a little memory, but it's a memory.)
These are women who have always had the answers. They are wise and capable mentors. They were what I aspired to, they still are. Yet, here I am, standing where they were, and I am not ready. I do not have the answers. I have not the staid assurance. I am staggered by the implicit responsibility.
I am still looking ahead at the older women in my life, and I am eager to learn. Perhaps it's time to be aware that I am far enough down the road that others may be watching me. I so seldom think of that sort of thing, unless I am flouncing about soaking up attention. What a fool I am.
Ephesians 5:15 "See then that ye walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise"
2 comments:
Kelly, I have a hypothesis that the older we become, the more we learn just how much we do not know. It's kind of like drawing closer to Jesus and how it opens your eyes more and more to the real sinner within. Another of life's conundrums!!
Love you,
This makes me laugh. If I'm considered part of that "younger" group you were observing, then I will tell you I don't consider you old. I think the general age range from ten years below to ten years above are now my peers. And, I'm right there with you, slowly recognizing that I might need to move from mentored to mentor, and not feeling remotely capable.
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