Over the past five years, as my eldest two darlings have embraced a life of crime, I expanded into emotional eating which elevated my expanse to a girth in competition with my full -term pregnancy weight. But, as things have settled down over the past year, why, I seized the reigns and began reclaiming my rightful size.
However, I can see that things are headed in a decidedly alarming, if familiar, direction. Not with my weight, yet, but with my oldest boys. Somehow, I have to keep control of this one thing which is entirely within my control. Heaven knows I have labored in vain to control these kids.
Since the first of July I have diligently monitored all that I eat, and stuck to a workout regimen. I have been focused and obsessive with measurable results. You have to hold me accountable to this! If my boys are going to spin into orbit again (and that appears to be the case) then I have to redouble my efforts to keep my self in check.
It's about more that my dress size, you know. It's got everything to do with my sanity. I drink less when I'm eating clean. I sleep great when I run miles. My aggressions are substantially subdued with heavy lifting. I am far less inclined to eat for anesthetizing if I am writing down every morsel. It also keeps me very occupied with the compulsive control, like a positive addiction. I kind of need that right now.
The boys are at it again. I have always thought that the day would come when this nightmare would all be behind us. We'd get on with life and joke about what rowdy youths they were.
"Glad we made it through those days!" we'd say.
...but it just doesn't come to an end. Things get somewhat better, and then they take a turn. I get enough of a reprieve so that I don't suffocate under the enormity, and then we re-submerge. It's like waterboarding torture.
And through it all, I could not possibly love them more. I love them so much that my heart literally constricts with such a powerful yearning for my sweet children. I love them, and I have a front row seat to watch them self destruct. Again.
2 comments:
Lam. 3:21-25 has been very comforting to me. You know my heart is breaking with yours. I love you.
I love that passage! I was just reading Lamentations this week, but I was focusing on the "My children have been taken captive by the enemy" verses, which was contributing to my overwhelming sensations of suffocation. I like your verses way better!
I love you, too!
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