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I believe that I can assure you with reasonable certainty that it is not humanly possible to consume more calories in one day than I have done today. I began the day ravenous, which is entirely out of character. After the lovely toast, eggs, cheese and ham sandwich dipped in olive oil, I went for a bit of a hike with my friends Kara and Meichele. That bit, at least, was healthy.



Upon completion of said hike, I further nourished my emaciated self with the only thing available in my car's interior: raw almonds. I keep them handy in case of imminent starvation. Raw almonds are, as everyone knows, nearly devoid of any carnal pleasure, sporting neither salt nor sweet, and can boost one's sense of righteous eating habits with a mere flick of the wrist. Thus fortified, I raced off to lunch with grandpa.


The menu at lunch boasted a lovely salad selection which I hurried past in short order. Instead, I ordered a seasonally appropriate turkey and cranberry sandwich on rye....with an abundance of shoestring fries.  Although I was beginning to feel myself adequately supplied, I was loath to turn down the opportunity to swing by and order a little smoothie for that hint of something sweet to accompany me on the cross-town drive home. By "little smoothie" I mean 16 ounces of frozen yogurt, chocolate, protein powder, and ground up espresso beans. It's kind of like crack cocaine for Christian moms.


All that food served as a perfect excuse for me to gracefully bow-out of cooking dinner tonight. I invited everyone to help themselves to leftovers, and then led by example. If I recall correctly, I was solely responsible for clearing out one sausage, several tortellini, a generous dollop of pork barbacoa, some few salad greens, and most of a bag of Costco Dark Chocolate Almonds. At this hour, my formerly diminished waistline is painfully distended, and I confess to some regret over the day's choices.