A waking nightmare

This morning, very early (much to early for a Saturday) I lay in the diminishing darkness, trying to guess what time it might be without opening my eyes to look at the clock. The fog began to lift just the slightest bit from my sleepy mind, and I began to consider the usual first-of-the-morning question, "which children are in the house?" As the kids get older, this becomes more of a challenge. Are there friends here from a sleepover? Which of the kids came in late, but should be here now? That kind of thing is hard to keep straight before the first cup of coffee.

Unfortunately, those questions brought a tumult of remembrance straight into focus for me. The kind of realization that, No, in fact, that wasn't a nightmare. It wasn't a nightmare, it was real, and now that I'm awake, I have to live in it.

I tried very hard to go back to sleep for the next unsuccessful hour.

See, you thought that the fact of my son being an addict and a runaway was horror enough. One would think that was plenty. God, however, is more creative than that. There is a verse in Ephesians which indicates that God is able to "do immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine." It's a super verse, and one I find great encouragement from. Today I was thinking that perhaps it can be applied to rather a negative perspective, too. I'm not crazy about this, and I hope it's not blasphemous to say. I do believe that God filters the troubles allowed in our lives, even if He doesn't necessarily dish them out. I believe He limits them as He deems best, and that He has the power to use them all for His Good. But, I do seem to be finding that the troubles He is allowing in my world surpass my wildest imaginings.

Yesterday, my eldest son was arrested for a felony charge. If convicted of this, it will follow him for the rest of his life.

My second son is still missing, and I've no idea where to look.

I am sick with heartache and grief and fear and every other imaginable horror in my mind. All those things are true, and yet I want to walk through this in such a way as to point people to the All Sufficient God. My faith in Him is unshaken, though I am rocked to my very core.